Wednesday, 8 October 2008

A Funny Soap Tale

A very funny tale about the life of a croaper written by the inventor of the word 'Croap' herself. It is very funny but also weirdly inspiring. The Croap Queen is not deserving of her crown really, she make the most lovely soap and the most pretty danglies. Her blog, Diary Of A Croaper is worth a visit because not only will you be entertained and inspired by her craftwork (she does lots of crafty things :o)) you will have a giggle AND be able to have a peep at her *cough* 'solid gold' croap crown.

This is the tale of a soaper named Jo,

She's not very good, but she'll give it a go.

In her head it's a soap that looks just like a dream

With rich, creamy lather the texture of cream.

She plots and she plans and she asks for advice

From the Fresholi girls, 'cos they're ever so nice.

She measures and weighs, she melts & she stirs

She waits & she watches - she's chuffed so she purrs.

In go the superfat oils and a lovely new smell

And then, Oh My God, it's all turned to hell.

It goes into the mould - she's working real quick

But whatever she's done, it just looks like sick.

It was supposed to be white, with a nice swirl of blue

But it turned sort of pink, and it really looks poo.

So she's here once again picking wonderful brains

Before she tips it all out and bungs up the drains.

Can my supercroap be saved or will it go in the bin?

Will it be dangerous to use and strip off my skin?

I'm not very happy, and I'm now wearing a frown

At the prospect of having to melt it all down.

So, ladies, I need you to cheer me up please

With words of advice 'cos my soap looks like cheese.

Thank you all kindly for taking the time

To come up with answers to my sad little rhyme.

You're all very sweet for giving me hope

That one day I'll make something that's better than croap.

Coap 1 lathers nicely, and it's really not bad

But the colour is awful and it looks a bit sad.

Croap 2 is still curing and the colour is fine

But the smell's faded a bit and so has the shine.

Croap 3 looked the best, but it's just played a trick

I checked on it today and it looks a bit sick.

The smell is just lovely, and it was really pink

But I think I'll just use it for cleaning the sink.
Croap 4's a disaster as you already know

Did everything right, so it just goes to show.

I'll speak nicely to Santa - I'll even sit on his knee

If he'll send a new crockpot for little old me.
Croap 4's a disaster as you already know

Did everything right, so it just goes to show.

Well, I've just had a go at unmoulding Croap 4

And it's hard to believe, but it's worse than before.

Artistic blue swirls? Not a cat's chance in hell

It's gone purple & pink, and a bit white as well.

The top is all lumpy - think pink cottage cheese

And some bits are runny - it could do with a squeeze.

Is that neat lye solution? (Wasn't there, yesterday)

Should I wrap it all up and just throw it away?

B*gger this for a lark now, I'm getting annoyed

All my artistic hard work and it just gets destroyed.

I'm really not thick, but I just can't get it right

And my niece has just told me my croaps are all sh*te.

But over this latest disaster, I shall just gloss

'Cos I'm sending my Mum to the nearest Argos.

For a lovely new crockpot for me to destroy

Oh goody goody, I'll have a new toy.

So, I've tried M&P - and at that I'm not bad

But my CP - well, you know it's just all very sad.

So I'll try out the HP - I'm just living in hope

That one day I'll make other, than rubbish old croap.

*Added 12.12.07...*

A new croap has been born, but it’s barely alive

Yes, ladies, I give you – my Croap No 5.

At conception - a dream, with a hint of vanilla

At birth - looks like something coughed up by Godzilla.

A soft, creamy brown swirl was what I had in my mind

But when dragged from the mould, well what did I find?

It’s more the colour of porridge – it’s gone a bit wrong

And I do have to say it’s got a very odd pong.

I used herbal tea for the water – I made it quite dark

But it should have been weaker – I was way off the mark.

I added the tea bits as I wanted it “scrubby”

But the leaves have turned brown, so it looks a bit grubby.

Not that I mind that, as it doesn’t look bad

But the vanilla smell’s gone, and it’s driving me mad.

About every hour, I nip off for a sniff

But nope, it’s not there, not even a whiff.

Well, I’ll watch and I’ll wait, and I’ll give it some timeWho knows?

It could turn out to be really sublime.

So guess what I did, when I had time for a skive?

I gave Chanel a big scare, I made Croap No 5.

*Added 15.12.07...*

My shiny new crockpot was calling my name

So I washed it & dried it and made it quite tame

I talked to it nicely and checked there was hope

Would my first batch of HP be better than croap?

So, I melted the oils and I added the lye

I blitzed it and stirred it, and the time just flew by.

I put the lid on, then I watched & I waited

I didn’t breathe out ‘cos my breath was all bated.

It bubbled and gelled and along came the wave

It was looking quite good – what a feeling that gave.

I stirred, and I checked that it was like apple sauce

And then it went wrong – this is JoJo of course.

I took a bit out and superfatted the rest

I was trying so hard – I was doing my best.

In next went the FO, it was going to work!

Then I tried to add colour – Doh! What a berk.

Liquid turquoise I added, because I forgot

That that wouldn’t work, & so I should be shot.

It wouldn’t mix in, it was driving me potty

So I left it, and hey, my croap is now spotty.

My sis doesn’t mind if her skin turns a bit blue

And she thinks it looks nice (I’m not joking, it’s true).

So all in all I’ve been up to my usual old tricks

Yes, ladies, I give you my croap No 6.

This very funny poem was written by one of our regular members on the forum who gives a whole new meaning to soapmaking. Thank you Jojo from all of us for the endless entertainment your croaping provides!

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